Last Action Hero (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} vengeance_is_me) wrote,@ 2007-12-26 20:29:00 |
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A history of Beard, followed by DOMINATION.
For those beardless folks out there (calamityjake included), here's a short history of beard.
BEARD - The First and Final Frontier.
In the Beginning there was beard:
And God said, "Let there be beard," And beard sprung from his face. And it was good.
And whatever god you may worship, only the worth while have beards.
You have:
Siddhartha aka Buddha
Jesus
Even Black Jesus.
I was going to put a picture of Mohammad here, but I didn't want to get sued or killed or sued then killed. Or killed then sued.
We then see the contempt and jealousy related to beards. Not all men can grow a full, manly beard; some have a retreating hairline that takes away from the full impact of a big beard. But aside from that, with, say, the crucifixion of Jesus. It wasn't his claims of being the son of God that got him crucified, it was his ability to grow a wonderful beard.
Fast forward to the 1800's.
Abe Lincoln. The man who freed the slaves, dug the entire underground railroad with his bare hands (this could be a rumor, but his beard, oddly enough, was named Harriet Tubman), and was then made a beard martyr.
John Wilkes Booth, notorious for his beard jealousy. You can see him here with his moustache and his hand trying to hide the fact his jawline is hairless. Feeling nothing but hatred toward Lincoln for his incredible display of facial hair, he sneaked up behind him and shot him in the head. If he had approached from the front, the beard would have shielded Lincoln and disarmed Booth much like the swift hands of the most skilled martial artist.
Which brings us to our next entry:
Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee? You say. Yes, Bruce Lee. Being asian, you'd figure he was too effeminate to grow a manly beard, but you couldn't be more wrong. Bruce was actually hairier than the manliest lumberjack. The only problem was, his hair was too fast to be captured on film. In order to defeat Bruce, they brought in the hairiest martial artist they could find. Enter Chuck Norris. This was before Chuck knew the ultimate powers of the beard. In Way of the Dragon, Bruce easily takes Chuck out. Seeing from this picture:
you'd figure Bruce a deadman, about to have his ass handed to him by the much more manly Norris. But if you pause the video and JUST the right time, you'd see this:
And there's Chuck, silently saying his prayers. Over the years, after Bruce's "death", Chuck figured he'd take over the martial arts market by wielding double Uzis, an unbuttoned denim sleeveless shirt and a beard:
This brings us to today, December 26, 2007. Otherwise known as the day Jake's face gets its ass handed to it. This was my original submission photo, which was taken on Christmas day, as I sat in my robe watching the girls open their presents:
I figured it was way too unfair to a noob like Jake to submit him to such a one-sided contest, so I shaved last night and took a pic this evening. So here's me, with almost one day of growth. This is pretty much just my 5 o'clock shadow:
*Jake stands there wobbling in a daze*
FINISH HIM!!
MORTAL KOMBAT!!
*techno music*
calamityjake included), here's a short history of beard. BEARD - The First and Final Frontier.
In the Beginning there was beard:
And God said, "Let there be beard," And beard sprung from his face. And it was good.
And whatever god you may worship, only the worth while have beards.
You have:
Siddhartha aka Buddha
Jesus
Even Black Jesus.
I was going to put a picture of Mohammad here, but I didn't want to get sued or killed or sued then killed. Or killed then sued.
We then see the contempt and jealousy related to beards. Not all men can grow a full, manly beard; some have a retreating hairline that takes away from the full impact of a big beard. But aside from that, with, say, the crucifixion of Jesus. It wasn't his claims of being the son of God that got him crucified, it was his ability to grow a wonderful beard.
Fast forward to the 1800's.
Abe Lincoln. The man who freed the slaves, dug the entire underground railroad with his bare hands (this could be a rumor, but his beard, oddly enough, was named Harriet Tubman), and was then made a beard martyr.
John Wilkes Booth, notorious for his beard jealousy. You can see him here with his moustache and his hand trying to hide the fact his jawline is hairless. Feeling nothing but hatred toward Lincoln for his incredible display of facial hair, he sneaked up behind him and shot him in the head. If he had approached from the front, the beard would have shielded Lincoln and disarmed Booth much like the swift hands of the most skilled martial artist.
Which brings us to our next entry:
Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee? You say. Yes, Bruce Lee. Being asian, you'd figure he was too effeminate to grow a manly beard, but you couldn't be more wrong. Bruce was actually hairier than the manliest lumberjack. The only problem was, his hair was too fast to be captured on film. In order to defeat Bruce, they brought in the hairiest martial artist they could find. Enter Chuck Norris. This was before Chuck knew the ultimate powers of the beard. In Way of the Dragon, Bruce easily takes Chuck out. Seeing from this picture:
you'd figure Bruce a deadman, about to have his ass handed to him by the much more manly Norris. But if you pause the video and JUST the right time, you'd see this:
And there's Chuck, silently saying his prayers. Over the years, after Bruce's "death", Chuck figured he'd take over the martial arts market by wielding double Uzis, an unbuttoned denim sleeveless shirt and a beard:
This brings us to today, December 26, 2007. Otherwise known as the day Jake's face gets its ass handed to it. This was my original submission photo, which was taken on Christmas day, as I sat in my robe watching the girls open their presents:
I figured it was way too unfair to a noob like Jake to submit him to such a one-sided contest, so I shaved last night and took a pic this evening. So here's me, with almost one day of growth. This is pretty much just my 5 o'clock shadow:
*Jake stands there wobbling in a daze*
FINISH HIM!!
MORTAL KOMBAT!!
*techno music*
